In someways I wish I could have met you after college so it would make this transitions easier for me. I never knew how deeply I could love someone. I never knew you could miss someone 10 minutes after seeing them. I never knew that I could spend every second with one person and never get tired of them still. The thought of college doesn’t scare me. The thought of leaving my best friend behind scares me. Being 154 miles away scares me. Changing scares me. Not seeing him twice a week scares me. And I’m not scared because I think we will break up but because I don’t want to learn to function without his loving arms to run to after a stressful week. I will not make my choice around him but it’s very difficult not to have him in the deciding factor. I hate that I have the option to stay yet I may very much so be picking the choice to go. I know for a fact he’s meant for me and I don’t want to leave him. I just need my eyes to be open to the right choice because this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make -_-
This is what it is bugging me. How I knew finals were coming but I didn’t know how hard it would be for me. How it feels like everything else gets you but me. How I always think I’m not good enough and how it eats me away. How for some reason saying ‘love’ seemed to change something…Not in a bad way really but something changed. How you haven’t even called this week for 5 minutes. How I have no idea what I’m suppose to do with my life. How Im not in school with my friends. How I don’t know what my life will be like In 10 years. How I can’t memorize this stupid piece of music. How I want to be with you every second and I can’t. How I need to stop eating wheat. How I’m trying to do everything and I can’t. How I just want to run and run and run but it rained today so I couldn’t. And how all of this is bugging me and I hate it.
The only issue with my relationship is that I’m not good enough…. Or this is what I tend to believe anyways….
Every time you do something great and amazing it makes me feel more and more worthless. I try so hard every day to stay positve and be proud and rejoice with you in your amazing accomplishment but some days I just can’t fake the fact that you’re talents make me feel like I’m never good enough. I’m never going to be an honors student or a doctor or lead the freshman class or write amazing speeches or ace every class. I’ve always felt so inferior to others but I could handle my emotions with it but with you, it’s much harder. It’s like you’re the at the top and I’m at the bottom. I want to talk to you about this but it’s so hard for me to bring up because I don’t want you to feel bad because none of this is your fault. I just don’t know what to do about it but I know I hate feeling like this and feeling like I can’t even say anything to you about it. It hurts.
It’s scary because I have 2 dreams and I don’t know how to peruse both at the same time. But I also know I can’t just peruse 1. I have to have both….
I haven’t told you this yet, but I love you. I really, whole heartedly love you. I can’t wait till the day I get to tell you because I want to scream it on top of mountains. I. Love. You. :)
It’s really hard for me to not feel inferior sometimes. Especially since I’ve started dating my amazingly talented boyfriend. I always feel like ill never measure up and one day he’ll realize I’m really just as average as they get and see that he could really do better than me. I pray that this will never happen but the thought is always in the back if my mind. “You aren’t good enough for him. You aren’t smart enough. You aren’t clever enough. You aren’t pretty enough.” Sometimes I can push the thoughts away and sometimes I can’t seem to think of anything else. I’m trying so hard to make everything work and I’m doing the best I can but sometimes I feel like my best isn’t enough. For him. for me. for my friends. for my family. For anyone. I just feel like ill never meet the standards I need to.
This has been the best year of my life, so why have I cried so much? -_-
I really need the strength of God because I really can’t do this on my own. I just feel so much stress and pressure and confusion an worry and I don’t know how I can handle it all. I’m trying so hard to make this work and make sure I’m doing everything I am suppose to but I’m stressing out to the max and I don’t understand how we are gonna do this. All I know is that I have to because I can’t picture life without you but I am just really stressing about this right now. I can’t do this on my own-_-
I promised myself I wouldnt choose a college based on a guy but I can feel that slowly changing. I really believe that this could be the one. I never thought I could have such a connection with one guy but he has changed the game for sure. I don’t think anyone would make me happier. Being away from him for just a day is brutal. I don’t think I could stand to live in another state from him. This weekend is making me realize so much about myself and college. I want to pick the right one and do the right thing so so badly and now I’m trying to pick the right school for not only me but for us…. All of this is wonderful And amazing and unbelievable and surprising and stressful an blissful. I just have so much on my heart and mind about my decisions. I just want to do the right thing.
I am amazed at where our friendship has taken us. At points we were best friends, we liked each other, I hated you, I loved you, I missed you, and every other emotion in the book. If its there, I felt it with you. Now was the first time I had to say goodbye to you for awhile. I wasn’t as sad as I thought I could be but it was still depressing to say goodbye. You have meant so much to me. You are the reason for sooo many things. But I am so glad I didn’t settle on you. For a long while I thought you were the best thing for me but you weren’t at all. But I am still thankful for you and I’m glad we met. I’ll miss you and I wish you the best of luck. I’ll always love you like my very own brother
Sometimes I wish I knew what would happen in my future. I want to know what life will be like a week from now and a month and a year and 10 years. But if I knew what fun would that be? I’m nervous to see where college will take us and when I go where it will take us and myself even. Things won’t be like this forever and I know that this will turn into the best thing I’ve ever had or the absolute worst heart break I’m going to have to go though. I want to know now where college and pre med and UC and co-op will leave us but I know I’ll have to wait and see what god has in store for us. In the mean time, I’m really enjoying this summer :)
And the kiss goes to: Zach Curtis :)
I can’t describe the times I have with you because the only words I can seem to find at the end of the night is amazing or fantastic. You are truly the sweetest and nicest guy I’ve ever met. I’m so scared though. I don’t want to be heart broken. So much so I can already feel myself putting up a wall which I don’t want at all. It’s just instinct now. With college around the conner I just don’t know where we stand or where we should stand. Thinking about it stresses me out. But I’m trying to enjoy the time I have with you because i don’t want to take one second for granted when I’m with you.
God had a plan all along for me to meet you I think. I’ve never met anyone who had made me so happy. I just hope more than anything else that my heart won’t get broken. I don’t think I can handle it with you because you are so much better than the rest. You put every boy ive ever met to shame. You are everything a girl could ask for in a guy. And I am lucky enough to know you name and for that I’m honored.
